Déjà Vu All Over Again
from Steve McKinley

No, it isn’t a mistake. Jean Larson’s excellent article on saying good-bye from our June issue is repeated here in the July issue. If you didn’t read it last time, make it a point to read it this time. As a matter of fact, even if you did read it last time you’d be wise to read it again this time.

We repeat the article first of all because it is important for our interns to say a good good-bye. Most of our CLI interns will soon be ending their internships and heading back to campus. For many, internship has been a life-changing experience. Those interns will want to offer proper thanks to congregations and supervisors, and need to swallow the modesty typical of Lutheran people in general in order to receive the thanks and tributes of the congregation.

Most of us are not inherently good at this. Many of us would prefer to slip out of town quietly in the middle of the night with as little fuss as possible. Not a good idea. See Jean’s article.

We also repeat the article because so many pastors over the years have shown themselves to be really bad at saying good-bye. Some of them have made their own lives unhappy with unresolved issues from former congregations. They didn’t do the work of saying good-bye properly and are still living with the consequences of that.

Even more seriously the failure of a pastor to say and practice a proper good-bye has caused problems for far too many successor pastors and congregations. Lesson one in pastoral ethics says that when you leave, you leave. This means that after you are in your next congregation and your old friend Mrs. Johnson from your former congregation calls you up and asks you to come back to former congregation to do Jennifer’s wedding there is only one correct answer: NO. Likewise requests for baptisms and funerals. All together now: NO. You are no longer their pastor. Maybe you will attend the wedding/ baptism/funeral as a friend, but you will not officiate. That privilege belongs to the person who really is their pastor. And that ain’t you. (Sometimes someone will say “I still like to think of you as my pastor.” Well, that’s nice, but…. I still like to think of Bill Clinton as president of the USA, but that doesn’t give him the power to declare war or appoint judges.) But, believe it or not, there are those pastors who say “Yes.” And there are those really tricky pastors who have not said an honest good-bye who will respond “I’ll do it if it’s ok with your current pastor,” thereby putting the present pastor in an impossible bond. How could she say no to that?

Saying a good good-bye also means that once you have left a congregation you become the third biggest fan the new pastor has, right after the new pastor’s spouse and the chair of the Call Committee. It isn’t your place to second guess your successor, even when you are asked or invited to do so. That can only create problems.

Finally, saying a good good-bye means that you take yourself out of the congregation, at least for a few years. Your successor doesn’t need you looking over her shoulder with approval or disapproval. It’s time for the congregation to forget about you, and your visibility there makes that all the more difficult. Is that hard? Yes. Painful? Yes. Take it from somebody who has done it a few times. But is it essential for the life of the church? You bet.

So we repeat the article to assist you with ending internship, but also to prepare you to be a good and ethical and responsible pastor. It would not be foolish for you to make a copy of this article and store it away in your important papers file so that you can refer to it in the future.

Good Goodbyes   
by Jean Larson
Repeated from the June 2006 issue

Most interns are into the final stretch, with 3 months or less to go. Now 3 months is a good, long time – it's the better part of an academic term -- and many of you are busy with special summer programs and finishing internship projects and covering for supervisors on vacation. But it’s not too early to start thinking about and preparing for a good goodbye, so that the work of closure is honored.

It’s not just "the work," of course. It's the relationships that have come alive this year – the widow whose husband’s funeral was your first, the confirmation kids who drove you nuts and brought forth your most creative efforts, the person on your committee who gave you confidence, your supervisor whose warts allow you to acknowledge your own and still dare to proceed – these relationships need to be honored. And so does your heart and spirit. That’s what closure is all about.

Roy Oswald describes two ways to do it poorly in his Alban Institute classic, Running Through the Thistles (1978). One is to soak up all your parishioners' feelings about your leaving, and keep your own at bay. This is a recipe for depression. If you don’t want to go there, take some time to be mindful about how you really are feeling about leaving. (If you’re mostly happy about moving on in your call, that’s fine. Own it.) Ponder, journal, pray, talk with your supervisor.

The other poor closure approach is to race through the goodbyes at the last possible minute. This is Oswald’s story, the title story. When Roy was a little guy, he and his brothers would take the short-cut home from school, through the thistle patch, often barefoot. (Who says brilliant church gurus don’t have a lick of sense?) They knew it would hurt, so they’d run as fast as they could, and then collapse on the other side of the patch to pull out the thistles that got stuck in their feet. Well, when we leave any important work and web of relationships, we’re tempted to do the same. We know it will hurt, so we try to get it over with as quickly as possible. The wise old coot inside us knows this is a mistake. You might save a few tears in the short term, but you risk ending up with ungrieved grief and unthanked thanks, all stuffed inside with nowhere to go once you’re back at seminary or into your first call. The congregation, too, is poorly served. They’re left holding their own bag of unexpressed thanks and unshared toasts, and, if another intern is to follow, they might not be ready to greet your successor cleanly.

The alternative to these two forms of denial is "transformational closure," a.k.a., practice in dying. (Need motivation?) Oswald says that the way we say goodbye is a little foretaste of the way we will die. So he gives us 5 closure tasks that parallel the 5 tasks of dying well. The first four apply to internship; the fifth to future parish leave-takings.

1. Be proactive, not passive. Start thinking now about the special people at your site who have made a big difference in your learning. How do you want to say a more personal good-bye –a visit? a card? a phone call? It’s also time for your internship committee to begin making plans for the end. New committees might need a heads-up. Some liturgical rite of "farewell and Godspeed" should be part of the deal. Check out the little liturgy on our web site: (http://www.luthersem.edu/contextual_learning/internship/handbook/godspeed.asp). Talk with your supervisor about his or her plans.
    
2. Get your affairs in order. What loose ends need tying up -- in projects as well as in relationships? Are there any housing issues you need to prepare for (utilities, cleaning)? A seasoned supervisor has said that the best way to make sure you will be talked about for months after you go is to not clean your apartment. Some interns leave a note for the next intern, the way President Bartlett did for Matt Santos at the end of West Wing. Nice idea. (sigh….)
    
3. Let go of old grudges. Do the work of reconciliation. Start practicing this one, because you’ll make good use of these skills for the rest of your ministry. You could wait until the last passing of the peace, as I once did. It was OK. But the Spirit gives us courage, so you might as well ask for a little bigger dose than I did.
    
4. Say thank you. When in doubt, you can’t lose on this one. Someone thanks you for the work you did on the clean-up project and you think your work was shoddy? Say thanks. Others say they’ll really miss you, but you know you won’t miss them as much? Say thanks. Having a hard time feeling grateful? Take it to the Lord in prayer.
    
5. For future reference: Be clear about your reasons for leaving. This is obvious for interns, although if you’re the first intern at a site, you might need to remind the folks that leaving is part of the deal. Even so, you might run into some frustration or even anger that you have to go. See #4 above and educate.

Goodbyes can be messy. Maybe you'll cry. It's OK. Be mindful, be honest, and you’ll do ministry even here. After all, "goodbye" is shorthand for "God be with you." A blessing, at the end, for your people. And for you.

New CLI Staff Member   

The CLI office on the Luther campus is hiring Kathryn Ostlie-Olson to assist with office procedures and program details during the 2006-2007 academic year. She will begin August 2nd and stay through May 2007. Her office hours will vary but she will be working approximately 25 hours per week. Kathryn is married to Marc Ostlie-Olson (Luther student) and they have 2 boys, ages 10 and 6. We will welcome her more fully in the September Ministry in Context newsletter. Kathryn is pictured below with the staff, standing, second from the right.

The Lay Committee At Year End   

Your intern will probably be leaving soon. We want to thank you for all that you have done during this year to support the intern, to offer them feedback and to assist in their growth. You serve a very important role in the learning process. There are still two things you need to do as a Lay Internship Committee.

• Help the intern plan for a “good good-bye.” Encourage the intern to be thoughtful in planning for departure. See to it that the congregation has a chance to say thank you and good-bye to the intern. There will have to be a party of some kind!
   
• Complete the final evaluation form. Let’s face it: very few people really enjoy doing evaluations. Sometimes it can be hard to be direct in speaking the truth in love. But growth comes from that kind of feedback. Do it clearly and lovingly, and make sure that all the proper paperwork gets sent in!

Then start getting ready for the next intern!

Internship Reflection Sessions at Luther   

Senior “Reflection Sessions” for returning interns will be held at Luther on September 13, 14 & 15. This will be a time to reflect on your internship experience with peers and CLI staff, a debriefing that is helpful both for you and for the staff. Sign up for a time in the newly-renovated St. Paul CLI office during the first week of classes.

The Miscellaneous File   

• Renovations continue on the St. Paul CLI office suite. For look at progress photos, go to http://www.luthersem.edu/contextual_learning/renovation.asp.
   
• EVALUATIONS!!! Did we say that loudly enough? EVALUATIONS!! Please be prompt. They really do become part of the intern’s permanent record. Interns…do yours. Supervisors…give the intern a break. Lay Committees…wind up the year. Get them in!
   
• The CLI Staff met in St. Paul June 13-15 for three days of hard work and some pleasure, including an outing to a Twins game in which the Twins knocked off the Boston Red Sox in 12 innings which ended in an exciting cliff-hanger grand slam!